Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
