the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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