There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
