He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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