its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
