my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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