So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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