i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
