for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
