I am puke
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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