I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
