I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
