I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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