Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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