I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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