i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
