yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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