She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
