If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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