im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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