paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
