Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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