Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
