Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
