All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
