THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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