Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
