You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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