i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize