I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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