My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
