I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
