She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
