I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize