I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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