I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
