Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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