dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
