Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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