two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i've created a new STD.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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