You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
