i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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