They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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