I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Text me some of your sweat
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
