he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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