EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
