We got so high we made milksteak
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
