happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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