what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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