he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
