No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
