tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
