Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
