So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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