I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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