I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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