im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you never un-have a 4some
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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