I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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