He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
