im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
